I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
