You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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