it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
