There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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