i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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