i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
