I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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