I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize