Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize