So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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