man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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