I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
