I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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