dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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