highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
