Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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