theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
