when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
