Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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