all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
