you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
