aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wish there were birth control emojis
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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