In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is Oprah even human
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
