how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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