oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
