Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
