i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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