so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
