The maid of honor just puked.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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