I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
