I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
