Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
