Your tits are I can't wait for
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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