My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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