Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
