There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
