dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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