As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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