I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize