did you get engaged???
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
