i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
