I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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