I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
