literally had 100 drinks last night.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
