I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
