I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
