I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Alive.
So much puke
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
