I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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