I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
