I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
