roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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