You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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