my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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