Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
