I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
